I Really Did
by Kyo Tetsuei
Summary: An unexpected death prompts this reflection. Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions.


"Um, you don't seem too happy today. What's wrong?"  
  
I cringed at the voice. Quite honestly, this was the last person I   
expected to hear at this moment. I'd been sitting in the living room   
for the last twelve hours, long since abandoning my room and the   
horrible reality it held within. I'd been pondering the point of   
this pitiful thing I called my life. And here Shinji Ikari walks in,   
coming back from an outing with his two friends. I knew he had fun - it   
was written all over his face. I didn't want to crash in on his   
happiness. I really didn't. If so, then why did I?  
  
I yelled at him. I blamed him for not knowing anything. I   
screamed at him, saying he wasn't special just because he had a mother   
that was dead and a father that didn't care about his child. Funny,   
really. All the people in this house are like that. Another one of   
Ikari's little games? I wouldn't be surprised.  
  
I yelled at him. I even went so far as to call him a moron, an   
idiot, a spineless wimp. I didn't mean to. I really didn't. And with   
each new criticism, I saw his face, laden with my insults. I sneered.   
Inside, each one of those caustic words seemed like another twist of the   
knife that was already imbedded in my chest. I hated doing this to   
him. I really did. But what hurt more was that each one of my insults   
seemed to be aimed at myself as well. It was then that I realized how   
similar we really were to each other.  
  
I yelled at him. I said the only thing he was good at was running   
away from his problems. I was screaming, blindly throwing things around   
the living room. Each one of my rants was coupled with another item   
breaking. I liked that picture frame. Too bad it ended up   
halfway in the TV. I don't know how many things I broke, but I   
continued screaming for a long while. Afterwards, I calmed down, and  
realized he wasn't in the apartment anymore. He'd run away again.  
Typical.  
  
Just as I walked into the kitchen to begin my own process of   
running away, the phone rang with a call from NERV headquarters. Shinji   
had bumped into someone, and stumbled onto a street. The truck driver   
had no time to stop. The doctor said Shinji died shortly after hitting   
the pavement. No prolonged pain for him this time. Never again would   
he have to be sent out into battle, fighting for a world that had given   
him nothing but sorrow and loneliness.  
  
I spent the next few days in my room. I didn't answer the phone,   
I didn't answer the knocks at the front door. I don't think she did   
either. Even before he had died, she was almost never at home. I don't   
blame her. 'Home' never seemed the same without him around.  
  
And I finally realized how important he'd become to all of us. The   
quiet, shy boy who never asked for anything from anyone. All he wanted   
was to be accepted; all we did was push him away. I cared about this  
boy, this boy that seemed so insecure. I wanted to shelter him from all   
the hurt and sorrow that this world seemed to have just for him. I   
wanted to whisk him away, take him to a place where he wouldn't have to   
deal with all of these problems. After today, however, all that will be   
left of him is some wooden box in the ground, and a stone slab with his   
name on it. I hope that he's happy he can rest next to his mother. At   
least he'll be with someone that was able to show him love.  
  
I loved him, you know. I really did.  
  
  
  
Finis  
  
  
=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=  
  
Don't ask me how. The idea for this just popped in my head. I opened  
Notepad, and this popped out half an hour later. I'd talked with one of   
my prereaders about how Misato was after Kaji's death, and here is my   
take on it.  
  
Thanks to Dave Ziegler for his great input. You're the greatest, man.   
^_^ Also, I'd like to thank Voltaire and Ashii for their input on my   
initial draft. Regards to the Evangelion Fanfiction Mailing List for   
their input as well.  
  
Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax, not me.  
  
=\=/=\=/=\=/=\=/=  
  
OMAKE!!!   
  
I was screaming, blindly throwing things around the living room. I  
liked that picture frame. Too bad it ended up halfway in Shinji's   
skull. I didn't mean to hurt him. Really!  
  
  
Another one??? Oh... fine. (This one thanks to Voltaire)  
  
I spent the next few days in my room. I didn't answer the phone. I   
didn't answer the knocks at the front door. I didn't even move when Pen   
Pen brought in all of his penguin friends and started stripping me to   
get a reaction.  
  
Gomen. Had to do that.  
  
Kyo Tetsuei  
PS: For all of you that _didn't_ notice. The narrator is Misato. NOT   
ASUKA!!! ^_^  
  
Start: 08/13/01  
Final: 08/22/01 


End file.
